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Archive for the ‘romance’ Category

Obviously, even that title is a spoiler.  Read on at your peril.

I borrowed Megan Chance’s The Spiritualist from my sister this Christmas (after being put through an ordeal detailed here), and I finally finished it late last night.  I was interested in The Spiritualist because I read and reviewed Chance’s earlier book, An Inconvenient Wife, at a point in this website’s history when no one on the internet cared if I lived or died.  Shorter version of my reaction:  I didn’t like An Inconvenient Wife.  BUT.  I did admire it:  it had complex, believably vile characters, and although it left a sour taste in my mouth, Chance did her job at making the extremely unnerving ending seem inevitable, if not palatable.  When I picked up The Spiritualist, then, I fully expected to read another book that I didn’t like but that did impress me.  At first, it seemed as if that might happen:  at some points, things were literally so tense that I had to put the book down and go off and read something totally brainless because damn, that shit was breaking through my medication something FIERCE.  I was exhibiting most of my nervous behaviors (grinding my knuckles into my sternum, accelerated heartbeat, etc.) and it wasn’t even my life that was doing it.

And then at some point, the book completely fell apart and became I Love My Dead Gay Husband:  the Novel.

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Do not read this unless you’ve already read my previous takes on the Sebastian St. Cyr series, or you’ve read the book itself.  SPOILERS.

C.S. Harris, What Remains of Heaven

First off, go check out the cover on this thing.  Don’t worry.  I’ll wait.

Seriously, isn’t that the most 80’s-tastic thing you’ve ever seen?  I’m pretty sure the Barbie I inherited from my sister in 1988 had that dress, y’all.

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Okay, first let it be known that Robert Pattinson is the wind beneath my wings, the thing that keeps me going in a world full of chaos, etc..  And there is a reason for that (and it predates Twilight).  I wish that I could invite that kid over to dinner, spread towels over all my furniture so that he wouldn’t destroy it with his BO, and then listen to him ramble while he smoked a bowl.  But since that is unlikely to happen, I am glad that Twilight brings him steady employment.  Because that means that I get all the cracked-out, greasy interviews my heart desires.

But.

BUT.

Omigod, y’all.  I read the first 200 pages of Twilight.  I saw the first movie.  I know what happens in Breaking Dawn.  I knew that there was no way in hell that New Moon was going to be a good movie, but I had no idea it could possibly be THAT BAD.

See, thing about Twilight is, it’s awful but it’s tolerable because it’s ALL awful.  Bella is a black hole where characterization should be, Edward is a pedophile stalker, and everyone else gets so little screen time that you kind of wonder why they bothered to cast secondary characters at all.  THINK OF THE SAVINGS!  But I digress.  Anyway, it’s so flat and cardboard and ridiculous that it passes back into being enjoyable because you’re all, “Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?

New Moon, on the other hand, is awful because it has exactly one compelling character:  Jacob.  Jacob is like, actually funny and an actual person with actual interests!  Also, Taylor Lautner has probably destroyed any chance he might have had at having biological children because of all the steroids he took in order to keep this role, but MY GOD, THE DEFINITION ON THAT KID.  I don’t usually say this about people who are young enough that I could have babysat them, but YOWZA.  Guys, he is even cute in his godawful stereotypical wig.  I can’t handle it.  Jacob is adorable and nice and appropriately tortured about the direction his life is taking–he’s upset about being a werewolf because there’s a girl on the reservation who almost had HALF HER FACE RIPPED OFF by her boyfriend when he got a little testy.  And Jacob’s all, “Yeah, you know, it would be nice to not have to worry about that shit, I’m just saying.”  But he’s still funny and innately cheerful because he is a well-rounded character with actual emotions unlike a certain rock-hard marble pedophile we could name.

But he gets totally boned because Bella is in looooooooooooooooove with Edward!  For…no reason in particular!  Even leaving that aside, though, he gets totally boned because he’s the only real person in the main cast, and it’s just like, even if Bella got some sense and decided to forget about her sparklepire, where would that leave Jacob?  With the most boring, personality-lacking girlfriend ever, that’s where.  Seriously, he only likes her because the script demands it–in real life, he would have found someone with interests outside of writing “Mrs. Edward Cullen” dozens of times inside her trapper-keeper.

In conclusion, I just feel bad for the kid, because he gets to spend two more books mired in this shit, and in the end he falls in love with Bella’s growth-accelerated vampire baby.  STEPHENIE MEYER, WHAT DID THE NATIVE AMERICANS EVER DO TO YOU TO DESERVE SUCH TREATMENT?

PS:  Did I mention that all of this is really racist anyway?  Because it’s really racist.  Seriously. 

PPS:  Have I mentioned that listening to poor Taylor Lautner trying to speak a made-up indigenous language to Bella “lovingly” is possibly one of the most hilariously awkward things EVAR?  Because it was.  Bless his heart.

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I am the worst person in the entire world to lend books to.  There.  I said it.  It’s not that I spill things or dog-ear pages or anything like that; no, it’s worse.  I KEEP THEM FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER.

And yet despite that known fact, my family keeps lending me books.  Weirdos.

Seriously, I have had my sister’s copy of The Skull Beneath the Skin since…last Christmas?  I think.  Anyway, it’s been a loooooooong time.  I’ve had my mom’s copy of The Fortune Cookie Chronicles for the same amount of time.  I have not read either of them.  YES I FAIL AT LIFE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Anyway, I went to visit my parents for Columbus Day, and while I was there my mother forced Megan Whalen Turner’s Attolia books on me.  Never one to turn down YA fantasy/historical fiction, I stuffed them in my suitcase and promptly forgot about them.  Until my mother came up this past weekend and demanded them back.

No, not The Fortune Cookie Chronicles.  Not Lord Rochester’s Monkey, which I have also had for almost a calendar year.  She wanted me to return the books she’d lent me all of a MONTH before.

She graciously allowed me to read them while she was visiting, though, and now I get it.  I really do.

Thus far, the Attolia books consist of The Thief, The Queen of Attolia, and The King of Attolia.  They all star Gen, a (you guessed it) thief, and if I told you anything else about them it would totally ruin the plot of the first book.  ANYWAY.  They rock.  And do you want to know why they rock?  Because they contain the sickest, most twisted love story EVAR.

DUDE.  DOOOOOOOD.  The lady in question CUTS OFF HER LOVER’S HAND.  And that’s just the foreplay.  It doesn’t get more hardcore than that!

I gave them back to my mother with a pang, although honestly?  The only one I really wanted to keep was The Queen of Attolia.  Because that’s the one where the “romance” really heats up, and I am a sick, sick girl.

Recommended for:  Anyone who enjoys “The Masochism Tango.”

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So some of you may be wondering, “What is with all this goopy relationship shit?  Where is the incisive literary commentary?  When will she finally post another Bayou entry?  Where is my goddamn sandwhich?”

To which I say—why were the stats on my last entry so low?  What, do you people hate charity?  And teenagers?  AND CONDOMS?

I think we’ve BOTH got a lot to answer for, really.

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…so she’s not going to write anything new today.  Instead, here’s an entry from my personal journal dated June 28, 2008:

George and I are observating a townhouse because he wants to buy one.  We’re standing outside, looking at the exterior while his realtor goes hunting for the code to open the door, when the following conversation takes place.

Me:  Ooooh, I like the ivy growing up the front porch.
George:  I hate ivy!
Me:  You know, you can uproot it if you really dislike it that much.
George:  I will replace it with…ELECTRONICS.
Me:  …robot vines?
GeorgeYes.  And I will program them to have moods!  So if you feel a vine snaking up the back of your neck, I will just say, “Don’t worry.  The vines are in sensual mode.
Me:  …I hate you.

The sad part is, I really wouldn’t put it past him to do it.

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So last night I tried to bathe the toilet drinker because it makes his coat all glossy and healthy, and he reacted by clawing me so badly that I bled through my clothes.  And then he pissed all over himself and the tub.

…it was not my finest hour as a cat owner.  And no, I will never, EVER do that to him again.  My poor giant boo—it took him an entire two hours to forgive me.  I felt so bad about it that this morning when he tried to eat my blueberry bran muffin, I barely had the heart to stop him.  “He’s EARNED that muffin!” I thought, but I figured that giving in over the baked good would be like trying to bribe your kid with candy after beating him the night before.  So I ate the muffin myself.  THROUGH MY TEARS OF SHAME.

Man, I can’t WAIT until I have an actual human-type infant!  I will not fuck that up horribly AT ALL!

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It’s a husband and wife double feature!

Oh, and I totally read these on the same day.  Now THAT was some cognitive dissonance…

Scott Westerfeld, Leviathan

Steampunk ahoy!  Deryn Sharp is a willful Scottish lass who, with a little help from her big brother, disguises herself as a boy and joins the army so that she can fly!  See, even though it’s Great Britain in the early 1900s, England already has an Air Force made up of living “beasties” (that’s what Deryn calls them) that were developed by Charles Darwin.  Who discovered evolution and DNA .

Meanwhile, young Alek, the product of a morganic marriage between the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne and a commoner (meaning he can’t inherit) is awakened during the middle of the night by his tutors.  They want him to learn how to pilot one of the Austrian army’s giant metal Stormwalkers under cover of darkness.  Why?  No reason!  His dad just thought it would be a good idea for the kid to get in some nighttime practice while he and his mother were off in Prague!

Alek’s parents have totally been assassinated, y’all.  Welcome to World War I, steampunk style!

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Malinda Lo, Ash

I checked this out because I occasionally read Scalzi’s “Big Idea” posts and Malinda Lo wrote one.  In it, she described the premise of Ash, which is essentially “Gay Cinderella!”

Well, not quite.  In some ways, Ash is the classic Cinderella story:  wicked stepmother, one or more evil stepsisters, the Prince’s search for a bride, the obligatory “The magic will wear off by midnight!” clause, and a dance with the Prince during which he finds the Cinderella character (the titular Ash) inscrutable and desirable.

But Ash isn’t really about any of those things.  Ash is about the main character’s friendship with a fairy prince and her budding romance with the king’s huntress, Kaisa.   The Cinderella touches are really quite incidental.

Which, you know, is okay.  As Lo herself writes:

My debut novel, Ash, is a lesbian retelling of Cinderella. But the big idea behind it isn’t that Cinderella is a lesbian. The big idea is this:  Nobody in the book cares that she’s a lesbian.

This is true.   No one ever speaks negatively about Ash’s sexuality.  But what really made me want to read the book was this statement by Lo:

My first draft of Ash was, I admit, a relatively straightforward — and straight — retelling of the fairy tale. Ash, the Cinderella character, fell in love with the prince. But then I asked a friend to read it, and she did me the biggest favor ever: She told me that Ash and the prince lacked chemistry. She also pointed out that Ash had a lot of chemistry with this other character in the book, who happened to be a woman.

This sounded really interesting to me; I mean, I can’t count the number of modern fairy tales I’ve read where the main characters had ZERO chemistry but were forced together because that’s how the story was “supposed” to go.  I thought to myself, “Mankiller, it would be cool to read a book where the chemistry between two characters was so strong that it necessitated a complete rewrite.  Also, gay Cinderella just sounds cool.  I am all for it!”

So I read it.  And honestly?  It doesn’t really work.

Frankly, I don’t think Ash really has chemistry with anyone, because frankly, Ash is a pretty poorly-written character.  She’s too insular and unformed to make a compelling protagonist, which is really unfortunate since the novel centers on her relationships.  There’s no there there, and man, does it show.

The book can be split into roughly three main points:  Ash’s relationship with her family, both biological and step; Ash’s relationship with the fairy world/fairy prince; and Ash’s relationship with Kaisa.  None of these relationships is really explored in depth–Lo leaves WAY too many unanswered questions about EVERYTHING.  For example, Ash’s mother dies and her father quickly remarries and then dies himself.  Why did he get hitched again so quickly?  Why did he kick it so fast?  These questions are never answered, and therefore end up feeling like plot contrivances.   And as for Ash’s relationship with the fairy world, some explanation is offered as to why she’s so close to it and others aren’t (although the explanation has more to do with her mother than with Ash herself), but by and large?  Lo tries to make everything so mysterious that it winds up being boring.  Ash and her fairy prince barely talk, and when they do, they don’t say much of note.  The same can be said of her relationship with Kaisa, the huntress.  The relationships are about equally inscrutable, which is why it’s so hard to tell why Ash picks one person over the other.

Some things are done well.  Ash’s attachment to the Prince is pretty clearly not really sexual in nature:  she’s in love with his beauty and his difference and the fact that here he is, offering an alternative to her completely sucktastic human life.  She doesn’t really want to bone him, although there are sensual aspects to their relationship; any heterosexual woman who’s ever had a girl-crush will recognize the relationship dynamic immediately.  So Lo does a good job of portraying a friendship that’s so deep that it’s almost–but not really–sexual.  But Ash herself is such a cipher…I mean, Lo is pretty deliberately vague about Ash’s age, but she’s in her mid-teens by the time she meets Kaisa.  And yet there’s never any point before that where she goes, “Hmmm…honestly, given my druthers, I’d rather make out with a girl.”  Because Ash doesn’t seem to think about sex or relationships at all.

I call bullshit.  MAJOR BULLSHIT.

Leaving all that aside, though, my most basic problem with the book was the fact that the way Lo has constructed sexuality in this world is rather poorly thought-out.  She writes:

So I decided that in Ash’s world, homosexuality is entirely normal. People are more likely to be heterosexual, but nobody blinks when they see a same-sex couple. It is a natural and legitimate state of being.

Okay, BUT:  Ash’s step-sisters are still banking their futures on marrying rich MEN.  No one ever even mentions the possibility that they could ensure their financial stability by marrying rich women.  I mean, all things being equal, marrying for money should be marrying for money, right?  Also, the Prince of the kingdom is being pressured to marry a WOMAN.  Fortunately for him, it seems that he’s heterosexual, but what if he hadn’t been?  What would they have done then?  Forced him to marry a woman whether he wanted to or not?  Allowed him to marry a well-connected man and then adopt/have a biological child with a suitable female partner? 

Despite the fact that homosexuality is no big deal, there’s seemingly no provision made for gay marriage.  Which, frankly, is bullshit.  It seems to me that true acceptance of homosexuality would result in a set of at least slightly different social mores.  If homosexuality was really “a natural and legitimate state of being,” then there would be customs in place to accommodate it.  But there aren’t.  Lo essentially took the customs of a heteronormative pre-industrial culture and stuck acceptance in there, and I’m sorry:  it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense from a sociological perspective.  Needed a little more thought right there…

Recommended for:  It’s honestly not bad, especially for a first novel.  Despite all my bitching, I think it’s worth checking out if you enjoy fairy tales.

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However, the similarities END THERE.

You thought it was over, didn’t you?  You thought I’d forgotten.  Well, it isn’t and I didn’t, so HERE WE GO AGAIN.

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