Observe this disgustingly idyllic scenery:
Isn’t it gorgeous? Almost makes you forgive Virginia for all the fucking humidity. ALMOST.
Anyway, this is where I go to procure my fresh, local, and hella expensive produce every weekend (seven dollars for three tomatoes WHAT?). I’m very fond of it, not least because the Boyfriend used to live around this area, and I have many fond memories of sitting by the lake, reading a book I’d just purchased at the used bookstore nearby and drinking a glass of lemonade from the cafe.
I told you I was a yuppie asshole, y’all.
Anyway, I love this area because it is like a little slice of Young Urban Professional Heaven, but dammit, people. GODDAMMIT. While I was at the lake last weekend, I caught this appalling nonsense on film:
In case you can’t tell because of the terrible picture quality (sorry about that), that is a TODDLER, being held by a GRANDPARENT while pointing at a GOOSE.
Look. I understand that a lot of people like geese. I mean, they’re attractive creatures. Check it:
I mean, yes, they’re lovely. But there are two extremely important, extremely toxic issues here and the first is–I believe those are Canada Geese, friend, and this IS NOT CANADA. Those lazy bastard geese hang around the lake year round, literally stealing the bread out of the bills of hard-working American waterfowl. A native-born duck could be doing the same work, and should be.
Oh, and don’t blame global warming for this, people. If it’s gotten so much fucking warmer, why don’t they just STAY IN CANADA? Seriously, if Al Gore is to be believed, it’s got to be like Florida up there by this point. There’s no excuse for this shit.
But I digress.
Issue one is patriotism. Issue two is–HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT, GUYS, GEESE ARE EVIL. EVILLLLLLL.
I cannot count the number of times I have seen some clueless parent lead his or her unsuspecting infant towards a goose. “Pretty bird!” they’ll say, encouraging the child to throw bread at the vile avian with a tiny, chubby fist.
People, I cannot say this clearly enough: that goose does not want to play with your baby. That goose wants to KILL your baby.
Geese are mean and treacherous. I have seen them CHASE CARS. A bird, CHASING CARS. ON FOOT. You’ve got to be a special kind of ill-tempered to run after something when you could just FLY AFTER IT. But oh, they are that special kind of ill-tempered; in fact, they are so bad-tempered that the only excuse a grandparent has for letting a child point at them excitedly is if the kid’s learning how to recognize the enemy. “Bad bird, bad bird!” that kid should be shrieking, but no. It’s always “Pretty bird, pretty bird!”
Fuck that shit. Don’t let them fool you. And don’t train your children, your precious, precious children, to believe that they are anything other than malicious, freeloading shits. Seriously. Know the face of your enemy:
And always remember to bring backup, because those bastards travel in packs.
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