I know most of you are like, “Talulah, I don’t want to see more pictures of your fucking cat in the fucking snow, okay?” But frankly, I don’t care. I AM OWED, GUYS.
My mother tells this story about how when I was a toddler, my entire immediate family went down to Virginia Beach for the day and she tossed me in the ocean to be raised by squids. Okay, not that last part. She put me in the ocean and we were playing and then all of a sudden, this black gunk started dripping out of my ears. She and my dad fah-reaked, because they thought it was blood and that their precious, most perfect and wonderful youngest child was hemorrhaging out her ears.
It was earwax, y’all. Although on a related note, a couple of years later momma was using a Q-tip a little too vigorously and it slipped and she stabbed me, possibly in the brain. I bled out of my ear a WHOLE LOT. And now I get to hold that over her for the REST OF OUR LIVES.
Isn’t parenthood awesome? Don’t you want to go have a kid RIGHT NOW?
So this relates to my cat in that, like his beloved human mother, he’s all ear-waxy. This is not terribly surprising, since he’s got giant, tufted ears—and also, he doesn’t really clean himself unless I initiate things with industrial-strength sprays and the furminator. And then he only cleans himself enough so that he smells like his own ass instead of waterless pet shampoo. Because, you know, smelling like shampoo would just be GROSS.
What I’m saying is that I love him, but he’s disgusting, and the vet told me that I have to clean his ears for him at least once a week or else she will judge me harshly. And I just can’t stand that judgment, so I’ve taken over all of his grooming needs, up to and including removing his eye-crusties. God forbid he have crusty eyes.
I’ve been pretty good about everything, except that I forgot to clean his ears for a few weeks and so when I did them last night it took six cottonballs and there was dried black wax EVERYWHERE and then he shook his head and got ear cleaner and ear WAX all over me and then I thought about feeding him to the dog next door. You know, the one who always looks so hungry. It would be charity.
Anyway, have some pictures of my cat! Enjoying the snow! Keep in mind that the entire time I was taking these, I was telling him to come back inside before I froze my tits off. Because knowing that makes everything so much more heartwarming.