So I wrote an e-book. It is here. I am not saying that you have to buy this e-book, because times are hard and there are plenty of worthy causes to donate to right now, tomorrow, and forever. But let me lay this out so we’re all on the same page, here: my e-book costs you, the buyer, 3.00USD. That was about as low as I could price it while still turning anything resembling a reasonable profit (in this case, 1.21 USD). The rest of that $3.00 is lulu’s, and I don’t begrudge them it, since they’re allowing me to distribute this thing and also, they gave me that WICKED SWEET cover with a smoking gun on it.
But if you read my previous post, you will know that the first hundred dollars this e-book makes are pledged to Scarleteen.com, and after that they get 25 percent. The truth is, I never expected ”The Dumb Whore Brigade” to make more than $100, because my readership is low and so is my profit margin. I was just trying to account for the best case scenario. BUT. I would like Scarleteen to get their $100, and to that end, I’m going to include a link to “The Dumb Whore Brigade” in every post from now until doomsday the end of February. I’m not doing this to annoy you. I’m not doing this to guilt you. I’m just doing it because if a lady writes a series of essays about her vagina, the sex ed org she’s donating the profits to* DAMN WELL better profit.
And now, on to the real post of the day. Which, not coincidentally, is about vaginas.
There has been some confusion expressed around my commentary on Kotex tampons.
Allow me to explain their workings.
This is what an intact Kotex tampon (regular size) looks like:
That entire purple thing? Yeah, that’s all applicator. It’s entirely plastic, and entirely disposable. And no, David, “applicator” is not a euphemism for “man who shoves things into your vadge.” It’s actually a euphemism for “tiny cannon that propels things into your vadge.”
Of course, in order to understand how the damn thing works, you’ve to take it apart.
The purple object on the left plays a prominent role in “The Dumb Whore Brigade.” The purple object on the right is the plunger. Yes, you are going to shove the whole deal up into your vadge and then PROPEL the tampon into your ladybusiness. It works something like this:
Pretend this pie is a vagina. Vaginas and pies actually have very little in common, but I’m not buying a fake vagina just to explain this to you. Also, that pie really pissed me off.
Okay, now you want to line your tampon up properly–and yes, you always go in at an angle. What KIND of angle depends on the individual vagina, but trust me: there is not a lady on this earth who has a hoo-ha that’s completely vertical.
Once you’ve got your business lined up, PLUNGE!
Hopefully it won’t bend that way, but I dunno. Your vagina could be a bear trap. I don’t judge.
Anyway, if you can do all that WITHOUT the aid of a rigid plastic applicator, then God bless. I can’t. You’re asking me to aim for something that I can’t see and that is ALSO at some ridiculously acute angle? Oh, and I’mma have to bend over while I’m doing it? And my vagina is resisting all the way because hello, it’s that time of the month and THINGS SHOULD NOT BE GOING UP THERE? Bitch, give me my applicator, or give me death!
And in conclusion, that is why I use pads.
*In theory, not all of the profits are going to Scarleteen, but in practice? Come on. We are going to have to DIG DEEP for that hundred dollars, and after we give it a good shot I PROMISE I’ll shut the fuck up and just throw up a prayer and a link in the sidebar.
“And no, David, “applicator” is not a euphemism for “man who shoves things into your vadge.” It’s actually a euphemism for “tiny cannon that propels things into your vadge.””
I still claim that both a wink and two nudges would be appropriate responses to that definition!
…I post an entry in which I shoot a tampon into a piece of apple pie, and that’s ALL you’ve got to say?
I AM SO HURT, DAVID. SO HURT.
Not as hurt as the poor pastrycook will be when he reads what you did to his pie…..
I’m pretty sure the people who left this at my house got it from a grocery store. And I’m pretty sure that grocery store bakers are used to having horrible indignities visited upon their pastries. In other words: NO EXCUSES, MAN!
Ok, how about I link a hilarious comic strip then?
http://www.treelobsters.com/2009/04/couple-thoughts.html
Eh? EH??
I might forgive you. MIGHT.
… I think I love you concluding “and that’s why I use pads.”
Thank you for promising to include a link on every post. I am in bed sick and I *want* to buy the book, but I’m not moving my butt to find my wallet.
I can appreciate that. Stay in bed! Eat something nourishing! Feel better!
Anyway, if you can do all that WITHOUT the aid of a rigid plastic applicator, then God bless. I can’t.
http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4603504/tampons-main_Full.jpg
They’re not THAT had to use. For me, at least
I think I’d probably have more trouble with an applicator.
Also, pads always make it feel like I’m wearing a diaper. And you have to change them more. (nb: I have Period Of Doom, or did before I got on the Pill, so.)
My forays into applicator-less/cardboard applicator tampons went something like this: “Ow. Ow. GODDAMMIT OW, THAT WAS MY FUCKING KIDNEY, MOTHERFUCKER!”
I’ll stick with alternative means of stopping the bloodflow.
Also, pads always make it feel like I’m wearing a diaper.
I hear that complaint a lot. I get it, but I’ve just never let it bother me because for me, tampons are SO! UNCOMFORTABLE! Even leaving aside the whole issue of getting them in without a plastic applicator, I have two insurmountable problems with tampons. One, my vagina is EXTREMELY sore during my period, so it’s all, “Bitch, PLEASE,” when I try a tampon. And two, my cramps are of the intenstinal variety, which means that pushing something up into the mass of swelling and twisting agony that is my abdomen? Yeah, I’d rather not.
And you have to change them more.
I actually have pretty light (albeit LOOOOOOONG) periods, so for me, a pad is ideal: I change it every time I take a shower, and that’s really about it. With tampons, I’m always playing that guessing game of “Is it full yet? It feels kinda full. Maybe I should take it out. OH GOD OH GOD OUCH. Yeah, that wasn’t full AT ALL.”
If I actually fully utilized a tampon’s absorbent capabilities, it could be up there for as much as three days. No thanks.
I guess the real lesson here is: everyone’s body is different. Also: putting tampons into slices of apple pie is fun.
Re: feeling when the tampon is ready to come out
I find that when it’s ready to be removed, what feels like a bubble of air moves past it and comes out. After that, I have about half an hour.
Also, I’ve found that leaving a tampon in longer than eight hours, regularly, is a recipe for thrush. So if I’m using tampons, I’m using the lowest possible setting I can get away with. Changing them every six to eight hours is perfect for me – changing them every four sucks. I still remember having to change my supers every four hours when I was a teenager.
But what works for me in no way works for everyone – and nor should it!
Also, I’ve found that leaving a tampon in longer than eight hours, regularly, is a recipe for thrush.
OMG, you called it thrush! THAT IS SO CUTE!!!!!
Sorry, I’m squeeing because in my experience, it’s “thrush” if it’s in your throat, and “a yeast infection” if it’s in your vagina. Because if it’s in your vagina, it is automatically GROSS AND DISGUSTING AND INFECTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOUS.
Ahem. Moving on.
So if I’m using tampons, I’m using the lowest possible setting I can get away with.
Ooooooh, yeah. Ohohohoh, yeah. I was really slow on the uptake on this one–the person who taught me how to use tampons has a much heavier period than I do, so she recommended the largest sized tampon IN EXISTENCE. So I essentially spent the first year or so that I was using tampons wondering why they hurt so much/never got full in four hours (or six…or seven…or EVER). And then I switched to regulars and it was somewhat better, but due to my intestinal crampitude, I’m still not a fan.
*grin* Maybe it’s just a factor of where I am, but it’s (vaginal) thrush by default and oral thrush if it’s in your mouth and/or throat. And candida if it’s anywhere else (intestines, skin folds… skin folds is why I don’t wear g-strings ALL the time, on my GPs recommendation, because itchy skin in your buttcrack is horrible) unless it’s in your buttcrack in which case it’s nappy rash.
Yeah, I’ve heard of candida–wasn’t aware it was the same thing? But then, until I was talking to one of my friends who’s had babies, I didn’t even KNOW you could get a yeast infection in your throat; stateside we’ve got a lot of commercials for vaginal thrush cures, but no one is ever like, “Does your baby have an itch in her throat? TRY MONISTAT!”
It’s like, we think vaginal yeast infections are really gross and horrible, so we extend those feelings of shame and horror to every other yeast imbalance, and don’t even talk about them in public. Very weird. Also, pointless. Dude, it’s just an imbalance. Happens to everybody. Eat your yogurt and move on.
Candida albicans is the yeast most commonly the overgrowth cause of thrush.
I first ran across oral thrush as a concept when we learnt about AIDS in sex ed in high school. It’s apparently fairly common when your immune system is screwed like that to have overgrowth of things like candida which would otherwise be kept in balance.
And then we read the fiction where ZOMG!WOE the narrator’s favouritest person is DYING and here’s all the things that go wrong BEFORE and kids don’t do drugs or have risky sex, mmkay?
Yeah…one of my friends has an autoimmune disorder that I cannot spell, and she wound up with vaginal and throat thrush AT THE SAME TIME.
Life is not fair.
And then we read the fiction where ZOMG!WOE the narrator’s favouritest person is DYING and here’s all the things that go wrong BEFORE and kids don’t do drugs or have risky sex, mmkay?
Awww, they told you about risky sex? Lucky! We never even got around to a discussion of what went where!
Fucking Puritanical American South…
I think my (all-girls private high school) was rational enough to realise that at least some of the girls were going to do things they’d really rather not (officially) know about, and that being the case, they should be comparatively safe. And that information dissemination meant that we weren’t (in general) going to do something that meant they would have to know about things, and that we would know where to get help if we needed it (from teachers, the school counsellor or other resources they made sure we knew where to find out about them).
I mean, technically we were a Uniting Church school, but they made sure we all had some exposure to other religions – the vast majority of the students didn’t identify as Uniting Church to begin with! The Powers That Be were more concerned that we grew up to be Good (and happy) than that we grew up to be Religious.
I do know kids who went to nominally “religious” schools that were really not particularly religious, but that’s tricky in the American South. There are plenty of private religious schools that thump that Bible HARD, and there’s also a really ugly history of whites getting angry that public schools were being desegregated and forming “Christian” private schools to prevent their precious honkeys from being exposed to other races. Actually, if something’s called “— Christian Day School,” it was probably founded in the 1970s (only took ‘em 20 years to desegregate), and it was probably founded for the express purpose of being whites-only.
All of which is to say: our private religious schools may be religious, irreligious or just racist, but our public schools? When I was a kid, they used to let students hand out invitations to tent revivals and the biggest student group was the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. The schools definitely cared about whether we believed in Jesus, even though they were technically not supposed to.
Also, minis are my friends. On very light days, I still have to change those every eight hours before they’re ready to be changed, but they’re physically smaller.
I solved the diaper-feeling issue by finding g-string pads. Because they’re not as wide as normal-shaped ones, they actually fit my crotch width. They’re triangular shaped, which means they are absolutely useless if you tend to have flow that migrates backwards, but if you’re wearing a g-string, the absorbent material is wodged in your buttcrack with the g-string, and I defy any liquid to migrate past that!
Also, they tend to be less fluffy than normal ones – they aren’t necessarily less absorbent, but they are thinner so you don’t feel like you’re sitting on an inner-panty cushion.
They’re triangular shaped, which means they are absolutely useless if you tend to have flow that migrates backwards, but if you’re wearing a g-string, the absorbent material is wodged in your buttcrack with the g-string, and I defy any liquid to migrate past that!
INGENIOUS! But unfortunately, mine does flow backward, and I refuse to wear thongs. I like pantylines. I think they’re cute.
Also, they tend to be less fluffy than normal ones – they aren’t necessarily less absorbent, but they are thinner so you don’t feel like you’re sitting on an inner-panty cushion.
I also use the thinnest one they have available, although I always get the overnight ones because, not to be indelicate or anything, but I have a BIG ASS. There is a lot of room for things to migrate, is all I’m saying, and migrate they do. So I get the EXTREMELY THING and EXTREMELY LARGE ones, and all is right with the world.
Yeah, it’ll migrate sideways if the flap has come loose–of course, the flap will also tear out my hair, so I’m just in a WORLD of pain if that happens.
My personal experience is that I get more sideways leakage with the pads with wings. It changes the shape of the pad and it just doesn’t work for me
Also, yes, hairs. I like my hairs, I want them to stay
Yeah, now that I think about it the ones without the wings actually seem to work better generally…it’s just a psychological thing, really. I think the wings should help, so I buy them, even though they’re more trouble than they’re worth.
Eh. It’s the one time of the month that I don’t have to be a rational consumer. BRING ME MY DIAMOND-TIPPED TAMPON!
The wings are just there to keep things in place – that’s why non-sticky fabric pads come with them. Sticky synthetic pads don’t need them because they have the sticky. But we still get them because of the emotional security factor
Rationality be damned, pass me the chocolate!
Exactly. IT IS NOT A TIME FOR LOGIC, IT IS A TIME FOR MOVIES THAT MAKE YOU CRY AND CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE FOR EVERYONE!
There was a brand of chocolate on special at the supermarket nearest me last week. It was one of the really really good brands, not the cheap crap. So, on special, it was a bit more expensive than the cheap crap, but not all that much (per kilo).
I bought lots and lots and lots. My grocery bill was something like twice the normal amount.
I regret NOTHING
Hey, that’s not something to regret, that’s something to CELEBRATE.
It just makes financial sense!
As a side note, I totally grossed out some of the more sensitive young lads in my unit when they found out that I pack away tampons in my first aid kit and in my survival kit.
My explanation that a tampon is a product specifically designed to stop blood flow, comes packed in waterproff and sterile condition and is easily applied to a gunshot wound to minimize internal bleeding, and furthermore is excellent to use as material for starting fires with firesteel and so can save your life in a survival situation was nothing, nothing compared to the ick of touching something that could give you the cooties (A k a “girl germs”)…..
So then I ordered them to do it too
)
YOU ARE MY HERO.
I can’t believe no dirty hippies have sprung up to defend the Diva Cup yet. So I will. Tampons made my cramps SO MUCH WORSE (and since I have endo, “worse” means passing out/throwing up from pain). Pads = diaper. Also leakage.
The Diva Cup does not absorb all the moisture in the vag and cervix – so huge reduction in cramping and discomfort. It holds a full day’s worth of most regular flows. It doesn’t get that hideous smell that blood on a tampon or pad gets with exposure to air, nor does it slow-leak (another pain in the ass for the heavy of flow). It can be boiled for hygiene. Plus, one thirty dollar expenditure lasts for years.
There’s something of a learning curve for insertion (I had to give it two or three cycles) but after that? Magic.
I was pretty surprised no dirty hippies had chimed in, too! Thank you for filling the void!
As for the Diva Cup (or whatever they’re calling it these days)–it’s sounds interesting, but I think I’m pretty much the only woman on earth who’s pretty happy and content with pads. After thirteen years of bleeding from my vagoo, I have FINALLY learned how to position them correctly, and also? Windex works wonders.
Also, from my own experience, if you’ve had a miscarriage where they had to go in and clean stuff out, you can’t put anything in your vagina until you’re given the all clear, for fear of introducing anything into a vulnerable spot. In my case, this meant I was bleeding for over a month, HAD to use pads, and couldn’t clean anything out – the outside could be cleaned, but the inside had to wait.
Man, that would make me so paranoid. I’d spend that entire month going, “Oh shit, I flicked water into it–should I call the doctor?”
Also, ugh, man, I’m so sorry. Way to make a bad experience that much more painful and awkward, nature.
Yeah, I wanted a hot bath so badly, hot baths are a comforting thing, and I couldn’t until the bleeding had stopped (thirty-one days by my records. I missed going from D&C bleeding straight into menstruation by something like 48 hours
). And it would have eased the bruised feeling quite a bit.
My blog included a lost of (carefully restricted) whinging about not being able to have a bath about that time… The docs said that showering was fine, washing the outside was fine, anything you accidentally got in would probably come straight out again with the blood, but baths? Nope. Not allowed. Unless you’re willing to stick your butt in a garbage bag, and I wasn’t
I missed going from D&C bleeding straight into menstruation by something like 48 hours
LIFE IS NOT FAIR.
Unless you’re willing to stick your butt in a garbage bag, and I wasn’t
I’m envisioning a Little Mermaid manuever…I can’t see anything else that wouldn’t have a risk of leakage. Ugh. I mean, maybe it would have helped with the aches some, but seriously! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.