So I wrote an e-book. It is here. I am not saying that you have to buy this e-book, because times are hard and there are plenty of worthy causes to donate to right now, tomorrow, and forever. But let me lay this out so we’re all on the same page, here: my e-book costs you, the buyer, 3.00USD. That was about as low as I could price it while still turning anything resembling a reasonable profit (in this case, 1.21 USD). The rest of that $3.00 is lulu’s, and I don’t begrudge them it, since they’re allowing me to distribute this thing and also, they gave me that WICKED SWEET cover with a smoking gun on it.
But if you read my previous post, you will know that the first hundred dollars this e-book makes are pledged to Scarleteen.com, and after that they get 25 percent. The truth is, I never expected ”The Dumb Whore Brigade” to make more than $100, because my readership is low and so is my profit margin. I was just trying to account for the best case scenario. BUT. I would like Scarleteen to get their $100, and to that end, I’m going to include a link to “The Dumb Whore Brigade” in every post from now until doomsday the end of February. I’m not doing this to annoy you. I’m not doing this to guilt you. I’m just doing it because if a lady writes a series of essays about her vagina, the sex ed org she’s donating the profits to* DAMN WELL better profit.
And now, on to the real post of the day. Which, not coincidentally, is about vaginas.
There has been some confusion expressed around my commentary on Kotex tampons.
Allow me to explain their workings.
This is what an intact Kotex tampon (regular size) looks like:
That entire purple thing? Yeah, that’s all applicator. It’s entirely plastic, and entirely disposable. And no, David, “applicator” is not a euphemism for “man who shoves things into your vadge.” It’s actually a euphemism for “tiny cannon that propels things into your vadge.”
Of course, in order to understand how the damn thing works, you’ve to take it apart.
The purple object on the left plays a prominent role in “The Dumb Whore Brigade.” The purple object on the right is the plunger. Yes, you are going to shove the whole deal up into your vadge and then PROPEL the tampon into your ladybusiness. It works something like this:
Okay, now you want to line your tampon up properly–and yes, you always go in at an angle. What KIND of angle depends on the individual vagina, but trust me: there is not a lady on this earth who has a hoo-ha that’s completely vertical.
Once you’ve got your business lined up, PLUNGE!
Anyway, if you can do all that WITHOUT the aid of a rigid plastic applicator, then God bless. I can’t. You’re asking me to aim for something that I can’t see and that is ALSO at some ridiculously acute angle? Oh, and I’mma have to bend over while I’m doing it? And my vagina is resisting all the way because hello, it’s that time of the month and THINGS SHOULD NOT BE GOING UP THERE? Bitch, give me my applicator, or give me death!
And in conclusion, that is why I use pads.
*In theory, not all of the profits are going to Scarleteen, but in practice? Come on. We are going to have to DIG DEEP for that hundred dollars, and after we give it a good shot I PROMISE I’ll shut the fuck up and just throw up a prayer and a link in the sidebar.