Awhile back, Racialicious did a post on John and Kate Plus Eight and the Gosselins’ pathetic attempt to teach their children about their Korean heritage. I say “pathetic” because this attempt apparently consisted of one dinner, which was largely hijacked by Kate “Honky-Ass” Gosselin.
I liked the article, but one of the comments got on my last fucking nerve:
B. Canseco wrote:
I don’t have a link but maybe someone out there does, but i saw an interview maybe last year with Jon & kate’s sister/brother in law and the sister let it slip that Kate’s original fascination with Jon was about his korean heritage and not about him as a person. Kate is allegedly is really “into Asian guys”.
I’ve heard this a couple times from different folks connected to these two. maybe someone can find links or can verify. i know i saw it but just don’t have copies of it.
My point is just as a good friend of mine explained “Rice Kings” to me a few years ago (white men who fetishize asian women/asian culture), I think Kate G is a Rice Queen and their specific relationship is one of a interracial fetish that simply went off the rails and once the kids came, they saw no real way out.
Okay, how do I put this nicely? People know shit about shit, especially when it comes to interracial relationships.
I’m not getting into the whole Gosselin clusterfuck, because it is indeed a clusterfuck of epic proportions, but you know what? “I heard that some relative of hers says she’s TOTALLY into X ethnic group!” does not actually mean that the lady in question has a fetish. It probably just means that her relative is a moron, or the speaker is, or they both are.
As a woman in an actual honest-to-god interracial relationship, I know this from painful personal experience. Because you know something funny? Every time I express admiration for a white guy’s physique–as in “He is TOTES HAWT!”–that’s just amusing to the people around me. But if I express admiration for a man of color, suddenly I have “a thing” for his racial or ethnic group. And by “thing,” I mean fetish.
Seriously, one time there was an EXTREMELY hot young Indian man standing at a bus stop and I said, “Hey, that guy is hot,” because yea verily, he was HOT. The sky is blue, grass is green, and that man was attractive, okay?
The (white) guy I was in the car with said, “Oh, so you have a thing for Indian guys?”
*facepalm*
What people say about your choice of partner often has little to do with YOU and a lot to do with THEM. The automatic assumption that my relationship is the result of a fetish has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that the person saying I’m a fetishist doesn’t consider POC as equals. I mean, if you sit there and watch me interact with my boyfriend and come away with the opinion that I’m a “Rice Queen,” then to each their own. But if you see me and my boyfriend holding hands and automatically think, “Asian fetish,” then in all honesty you are a fucking racist. Because you are projecting your inability to see Asians as your equals onto another person, and there is no term for that except racism.
So yeah. I don’t consider, “Her relatives say she’s totally into Asian guys, hur hur!” to be a reliable indicator of anything, because guess what? Her relatives might simply be unable to see Asian men as anything other than a fetish. Or the person speaking may have completely made up that statement. In any case, unless the woman in question says or does something sketchy, don’t make assumptions. Because they say a hell of a lot more about your attitudes towards a particular racial group than they do about hers.
Several items:
1. A sexual fetish is a complicated things and the word gets mis-used a LOT. To have a sexual fetish is to fetishize an object; you experience sexual satisfaction from and around that object and actually REQUIRE that object to be sexually satisfied.
2. I am most attracted to a very specific set of physical features, given a lineup of men, I will almost INEVITABLY pick one who looks either Jewish or Indian. Should this offend anyone? No. Does it mean I fetishize these people and can’t see them as individuals? NO. Does it make me some kind of weird reverse racist? NO ALREADY. I means I happen to find those physical characteristics attractive. I wish to get to know those fine young men better, so that I might date/sleep with them. AND THAT IS ALL. If I am a prisoner of anything in this case, it’s my god damn libido.
Given a lineup of men, I will inevitably pick the one who looks the most like my Dad did when I was born (but without the beard). Seriously. I find all types aesthetically pleasing, but I’m most likely to be sexually attracted to a male someone with multiple traits in common with my Dad (except for the beard). Dimples, oval face, brown eyes, receding hairline, small pooch and all
Well, they do say girls marry their fathers…..
Being the kind of person who analyses things, I had always done statistical analysis of the traits of the people I was attracted to. It took me until seeing my Dad’s graduation photos to realise that all the traits which were shared by a majority of the males were traits my father shared. Up until that point, I’d never seen him without a beard, so I’d never realised that he had dimples.
Of course, I also did a little analysis of my current partner’s family. On his Dad’s side, every single one of them that I have met that has a partner that I have also met has chosen a partner with lighter hair than they have who has dimples. EVERY SINGLE ONE (that I have met).
The Boyfriend LOOKS nothing like my dad; however, he ACTS exactly like him.
We had an earlier discussion about this on Racialicious (and Kate herself has said she has a “fetish” for Asian guys, which makes it even more problematic).
I think it must be that there’s something odd about women expressing sexual attraction towards any guy at all, and if she likes one, she must like them all! As if men were all the same. Maybe it’s projection of traditional misogynistic values on women – if men think one hole is the same as another, clearly if a woman has sexual desire, one penis is much like the other. It’s like how guys have an Asian fetish, and presumably, women have the exact same proclivities.
Annoying.
Even more annoying when people play into that bullshit. I have a cousin who actually says, “I want to marry a Latino.” What? Why? [Cue stereotypes]
Yeah…I know Kate Gosselin isn’t exactly a great example to use, because she self-admittedly DOES have a fetish, but what chapped my balls was the whole, “I heard that someone close to her said that she had one” being taken as gospel.
Maybe it’s projection of traditional misogynistic values on women – if men think one hole is the same as another, clearly if a woman has sexual desire, one penis is much like the other.
It’s coming from a place where desiring someone means not seeing them as an equal, yeah. One hole is the same as another, one prick is the same as another.
Even more annoying when people play into that bullshit. I have a cousin who actually says, “I want to marry a Latino.” What? Why?
…I’m so sorry.
In a long amatory career I had boyfriends from all the major racial groups and many subgroups. There are individuals I recall with affection, some with shudders, and some with frissons of lustful delight.
I understand the concept of having a type — in the absence of further knowledge I’d say I like smallish (under 5’8″) dark-hairned guys with distinctive facial features. But I have fond memories of men that were blond and tall and not my “type” at all.
I’d say that someone whose boyfriends are all tall, has a preference. But if she won’t date a short guy no matter how otherwise perfect, then she has a mindless and destructive preference.
–Report from the oher side of 65.
I don’t think I’ve developed a type yet. Three boyfriends can form a line, but not, unfortunately, a trend.
There is only one answer to that question. “Yeah, I have a thing for Indian guys. And for Irish guys. And for black guys. And for Chinese guys and for Persian guys and for all guys, pretty much. Oh and girls too.”
That usually shuts the questioner up.
ESPECIALLY girls!
Yup, generally works like a charm.
I know my boyfriend was sure excited when I offered to bring a chick home…
As someone from an interracial marriage with a mixed daughter, I mostly agree with you. I say mostly because I do think there are some cases where the person does in fact have a “thing” for a particular race/ethnicity. I’m Latina and I knew of guys in school who would only date Latinas, and they would go from one girl to the next fairly quickly, leading me to believe they were not attracted to the person. Well, there was more to it, like their actions, comments, etc, you get the picture. I knew one guy in particular that would show no interest in a girl until someone said “oh, she’s from Colombia/Peru/whatever Latin country” (since many Latinos don’t necessarily fit a specific “look” despite the stereotype out there). So yeah, there are these people out there, and it makes me sad. To know there are still so many people who will look at someone ad see only race/ethnicity instead of the person. It’s racism.
Yeah, there are definitely people out there with actual, honest-to-god fetishes. And, tragically, there are a lot of them. I wasn’t trying to imply that every interracial relationship is based on pure respect and understanding–unfortunately, that’s just not true–I was just trying to point out that having a kneejerk, “Fetish!” response is a little questionable.