The Boyfriend and I have been doing pretty well about buying most of our food from the farmer’s market, but there are just some things you cannot purchase out of the back of a truck. Like potato chips.
Well, I mean, unless the Lays’ guy is on the make. But do you really want to get involved in back alley deals over snack food?
So yes, there are certain things you cannot buy from the farmer’s market, and we have generally been buying them at Whole Foods. Not because we have a particular hard-on for Whole Foods; in fact, we have been sworn enemies of their prepared food section ever since they sold us a pre-made pizza with MOLD ON IT.
I don’t need my pizza to come complete with antibiotics, thanks.
We shop at Whole Foods not because we love it so, but because they’re the only place where we can get local milk that comes in environmentally-friendly, reusable glass bottles. So we figured hey, why not just pick up everything else we need (culinarily speaking) while we’re there? It’ll save gas, and our respective gods will like us better because we’re so environmentally friendly. Or something.
But oh.
OH.
The thing about Whole Foods is, it sells a lot of reassuringly normal stuff. You can buy brownies there the same as you can buy brownies anywhere. But the danger with Whole Foods is that if you’re not looking carefully, you might wind up accidentally picking up the box of brownie mix that contains whole wheat flour and flax seeds.
This is not a danger one generally faces in your average grocery store.
So the night before last, I was at the store with the Boyfriend and he was being obnoxious and distracting. I don’t know what got into him, but have you ever seen a puppy on meth? Yeah, me neither, but I’m pretty sure he was doing a REALLY GREAT IMPRESSION of one. So he’s chasing his imaginary tail and humping the cereal display while I’m trying to pick out a bag of frozen raviolli, and because my attention is divided between FOOD and JACKASS, I pick up whole wheat, soy-cheese variety.
DEAR HEAVENLY LORD WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO RUIN SOMETHING SO DELICIOUS WITH ALL THAT HEALTH?
In all seriousness, I generally don’t have a problem with vegan cuisine; I’ve had plenty of lovely vegan baked goods, and Rosetta’s in Asheville makes a plate of vegan nachos that will make you reconsider that whole “eating animal products” thing. But some vegan foodstuffs–not all, but some–try to make up for all the tasty animal suffering you’re missing out on by adding really weird shit to the recipe. Which is why last night, I had to choke down a bowl of spinach and soy ricotta raviolli that had been liberally dosed with nutmeg.
And guys, I’m not lying: as I tried to eat that shit, all I could think of was that as soon as I was done, I was going to go out, buy a can of Pillsbury Frosting, and eat until I didn’t hate hippies anymore.
Next time, we’re going to Giant.
Soy cheese was pretty much the one thing I COULD NOT get behind when I was vegan. Me and soy milk are still chill, Earth Balance is fine, there are tons of soy/rice/almond/coconut ice cream substitutes that are awesome, and most fake meats are completely serviceable if you miss hot dogs/burgers/meatballs all that much. As a side note, fake bacon creeps me the fuck out–it looks like Beggin’ Strips.
Soy cheese? BLEEEEUUURGHHH. I’d be fine if it didn’t taste like cheese as long as it tasted good, because otherwise, it’s just expensive and useless. I’m pretty sure it was invented as a way to taunt people who are lactose intolerant and to force newbie vegans back into the arms of dairy.
The sweet, buttery arms of dairy.
Real cheese (and icecream in a separate bowl) is why I got lactase pills. Real, properly made cheese from dairies both local and far away. Soy cheese is an abomination; so are low-fat versions of Real Cheese. Bleh.
If my one foray into soy cheese is any indication–HELL YEAH THAT SHIT’S AN ABOMINATION. Some things can be faked; cheese, unfortunately, is NOT one of them.
WHY WON’T THIS DAMNED THING LET ME PRESS “ENTER”?
The State of the Union = my attention is divided between FOOD and JACKASS
fake bacon:Beggin’ Strips::Soylent Green:people
I read a really good argument that we’re supposed to be lactose-intolerant; we’re meant to consume breast milk in infancy and stop, not switch to nonhuman-animal dairy products.
I’ve heard that argument, but I think the truth is much more complicated than that. Non-human milk products are certainly not a human biological necessity, but in many areas of the world, they were one of the few steady, reliable food sources for hundreds or even thousands of years. We certainly don’t need to drink milk or eat cheese of any variety (and screw the dairy lobby for insisting that we do), but it always bothers me when people start talking about how it’s “unnatural” to do so. Saying so ignores just as many cultural, environmental, and physical realities as declaring that all human beings need to drink three glasses of cow’s milk a day.
Sorry, I don’t mean to get shirty–I just went to school with a lot of super snotty vegans who were always spouting that argument, and IT DROVE ME NUTS. Anthropologically speaking, it doesn’t stand up at all.
I am lactose intolerant, but when my body’s demand for calcium goes up, so does my lactase production (week 11 of pregnancy and I stopped having to take my pills to eat the cheese I was craving). I’m mildly deficient in protease, as well, and I find much the same effect when it comes to that – I can digest more meat when and only when I need it enough that I’m craving it.
That wasn’t shirty.
Mankiller: Screwing the dairy lobby since 2009.
You need to change your name and run for office.
Already working on it!