The Boyfriend and I have been doing pretty well about buying most of our food from the farmer’s market, but there are just some things you cannot purchase out of the back of a truck. Like potato chips.
Well, I mean, unless the Lays’ guy is on the make. But do you really want to get involved in back alley deals over snack food?
So yes, there are certain things you cannot buy from the farmer’s market, and we have generally been buying them at Whole Foods. Not because we have a particular hard-on for Whole Foods; in fact, we have been sworn enemies of their prepared food section ever since they sold us a pre-made pizza with MOLD ON IT.
I don’t need my pizza to come complete with antibiotics, thanks.
We shop at Whole Foods not because we love it so, but because they’re the only place where we can get local milk that comes in environmentally-friendly, reusable glass bottles. So we figured hey, why not just pick up everything else we need (culinarily speaking) while we’re there? It’ll save gas, and our respective gods will like us better because we’re so environmentally friendly. Or something.
The thing about Whole Foods is, it sells a lot of reassuringly normal stuff. You can buy brownies there the same as you can buy brownies anywhere. But the danger with Whole Foods is that if you’re not looking carefully, you might wind up accidentally picking up the box of brownie mix that contains whole wheat flour and flax seeds.
This is not a danger one generally faces in your average grocery store.
So the night before last, I was at the store with the Boyfriend and he was being obnoxious and distracting. I don’t know what got into him, but have you ever seen a puppy on meth? Yeah, me neither, but I’m pretty sure he was doing a REALLY GREAT IMPRESSION of one. So he’s chasing his imaginary tail and humping the cereal display while I’m trying to pick out a bag of frozen raviolli, and because my attention is divided between FOOD and JACKASS, I pick up whole wheat, soy-cheese variety.
DEAR HEAVENLY LORD WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO RUIN SOMETHING SO DELICIOUS WITH ALL THAT HEALTH?
In all seriousness, I generally don’t have a problem with vegan cuisine; I’ve had plenty of lovely vegan baked goods, and Rosetta’s in Asheville makes a plate of vegan nachos that will make you reconsider that whole “eating animal products” thing. But some vegan foodstuffs–not all, but some–try to make up for all the tasty animal suffering you’re missing out on by adding really weird shit to the recipe. Which is why last night, I had to choke down a bowl of spinach and soy ricotta raviolli that had been liberally dosed with nutmeg.
And guys, I’m not lying: as I tried to eat that shit, all I could think of was that as soon as I was done, I was going to go out, buy a can of Pillsbury Frosting, and eat until I didn’t hate hippies anymore.
Next time, we’re going to Giant.