Gone Baby Gone
This was pretty freaking awesome, especially considering the fact that A.) It’s Ben Affleck’s directorial debut; and B.) I’d only ever seen Casey Affleck in the Ocean’s 11 movies, so watching him actually act is pretty neat. Cool plot (missing toddler, coke-addict liar of a mother complicating things), lots of neat twists, and reliably good performances from everyone. Oh, and CUTEST. MISSING CHILD. EVER.
My only complaints were that Morgan Freeman played Morgan Freeman again (although really, that’s not such a bad thing), that Boston accents are inherently silly and should not be used in voiceovers (I’m a Southerner, so I can mock here), and that voiceovers are, in and of themselves, pretty damned annoying. They happen to be exceptionally well-written and delivered in this film, but Veronica Mars this is not. And in conclusion–this is a very good movie, and it raises a moral dilemma nicely, but it is not as deep and hard-hitting as it wants to be. Still, it’s worth your time and your money and your attention.
Recommended for: Crime movie fans, mystery fans, anyone who likes an Affleck.
A cop-movie spoof from the people who brought you Shaun of the Dead. For the record, I HATED Shaun, but this was pretty funny. Waaaaay too long and a little too British to fully translate, but still pretty funny. I got a little impatient during the last two thirds of the movie, but I admit it: I literally howled with laughter over a visual gag involving a potted plant on a moving train.
Recommended for: People who liked Shaun of the Dead, people who love (and love to make fun of) cop movies.
Shia LaBeouf punches out his Spanish teacher for making an insensitive remark about his dead dad, gets three months of house arrest, spends all of his time staring out the windows at his neighbors, and then becomes convinced that one of them is killing club sluts as a way to pass the time. Psssst: he totes is!1!!!
Betcha ya didn’t see that one coming! Wait…you did? You are a jeeeeeeenyus!
Anyway, there is a lot wrong with this movie. There is SO MUCH wrong with this movie, actually, that first I will tell you what is right with it: Shia’s pretty eyes, and Aaron Yoo’s existence. That’s it. That’s all. I mean, I could watch Shia bat his 12-foot eyelashes at me all day, and I could watch Aaron be hot pretty much 24-7, but that does not a movie make. Tragically.
Okay…so. Problems with this movie…problems with this movie…well, to begin with, life sucks. It does. Horrible things happen to good people for absolutely no reason. But so many bad things happen to poor Shia for no reason that it’s like, come the fuck on. He’s playing an upper middle class white kid in a nice suburb (murderer aside)–it just strains credulity to have EVERYTHING BAD, EVER, HAPPEN to him. Also: spying on girls isn’t sexy. It’s perfectly understandable in a guy that young, and particularly from a guy raised in an era of easy-access amateur porn, but guess what? Girls might think that being spied on because they are so teh hotness is flattering in the abstract, but in reality? If I caught Shia staring through my window every day, I’d dismiss him as a panty-sniffing creep, and so would you. And while we’re on the subject of shit that’s just not that believable: you cannot tell me that that girl’s mother never came into her daughter’s room, saw her open windows, and squawked at her until she closed her curtains, because that happened EVERY DAY OF MY TEENAGE LIFE.
In real life, Shia never would have seen those boobies no matter how long he stared through his binoculars, because his little girlfriend would have had steel shutters installed on all her windows the SECOND her parents realized they lived next door to a juvenile delinquent. TRY FOR A LITTLE REALISM, FOLKS!
Also: people need to quit letting Shia go on rants. He goes on these weird, uncomfortable rants in front of girls in like, every movie he’s in now. Is that supposed to be funny or endearing? Because it’s mostly just boring.
And in conclusion: I hate to state the obvious, but Aaron Yoo is fiiiiiiiiine. Seriously, that is a really hot man right there. Oh, and he can act, too. So why is he playing the whacky, whiny, cowardly side-kick again? Wait, wait–I forgot. BECAUSE HE’S ASIAN.
Lame, guys. Seriously fucking lame.
Recommended for: People who thought that the Hitchcock version was just too damn “intellectual.”